(+ xaver) so pissed off

so pissed off
— with xaver

I feel so pissed off right now. I know I shouldn't take it this wrong but I can't handle it. I'm trying to think and to calm down. Fuck it Holly, it's ball night, you shouldn't be that mad during ball night but.. I really can't handle it. Lincoln just told me he wants to leave Nemesis but he doesn't want just to give up the secret organization. He wants to stay a Winthrop, because he likes it. If he is happy with them, I'm okay with that. But.. he puts me, he puts us in a difficult situation. Because he knows about Nemesis and he would be a traitor to them if he doesn't say a word about it to his new "brothers". After leaving Lincoln (and being pretty mad I have to admit), I'm coming back inside to go straight to the bar. I take a glass of whatever there is a glass with alcohol in it and turn the head to see Xaver. Fake smile, « Oh, hey. What's up? »  Should I tell him ? He is a Nemesis too, he's one of the only one here I can talk to. And I really need to talk about it.

Prom was kinda fun. It was nice, and it is nice. However, I was starting to feel old. I don’t think this is really what I want in my life. I’ll probably finish my Masters and then go off and do something. Staying a student forever is not really what I want. I’ve never been like my sister, free of all responsibilities. On the opposite, I am the kind of guy that does what he needs to do to protect his family and save his name. I wasn’t even sure what I was really going to do after I graduate next year. Where will I go? What will happen with my relationship with Keyla? There are a lot of questions that don’t have answers yet, and I don’t believe I will have some anytime soon. Prom was relaxed, if not for that shitass best friend of Keyla. I didn’t want to be rude, so I ended up leaving my table after I danced with my girlfriend to go to the bar. The alcohol didn’t really help, but there was nobody I could talk to. Everybody was busy with their own stuff. Suddenly, surprised I heard a voice next to me. Holly. I wasn’t excepting to see her tonight. We met through Nemesis. She introduced me to the group, so I should thank her somehow. She seemed on edge. « Hey. Not much, have the best night of my life ! » I answered ironically, as I was utterly bored. « What’s up with you? »

so pissed off
— with xaver

I wanna cry. I know I want to run to the toilet, lock myself in and just let it go. Just cry, like a baby, like a girl. But i won't. Because I don't cry in front of people, even if it happens in the toilets. I don't cry, I won't cry. I wanna cry because I am angry. Angry because of me, because of what I think, what I believe in. Angry because of Lincoln, because he knows his decision is putting us in a difficult situation. Angry and sad. Sad because I know what is going to happen. I know it and I don't want it. But I don't have the choice, we don't have the choice. I wince when I hear him talking with so much irony. « Yep, I should have noticed. » I bend over him and say, « I think that when we loiter around the bar, it means we don't have such a good night.  » I take a glass and look at Xaver with a little smile. A sad smile. « We are going to have a problem with Lincoln and Nemesis. »

I wasn’t having a bad night or anything like that. Nothing bad really happened for me. No fight, no glass throwing, nothing really. Well if you don’t count that best friend of my girlfriend, but I had to remain nice to him. That’s why I was at the bar, hoping for someone to come and rescue me. I didn’t want to always be with Keyla. It was our first prom together, last year circumstances making it like that. We had danced, and I had offer her a key to my appartement, and everything was good. Somehow, I wasn’t enjoying myself as I should. Maybe I grew out of all this shit, out of school. I was going to finish my degree, but that would be it I think. I wasn’t having a miserable evening, compared to Holly. I don’t know what’s happening with her, what’s going on. I don’t like to see people with a sad face, it never presumes something good, and from what she is saying it doesn’t. Great. « I think we should better discuss this outside, you never know what wandering ears can be around. » If Lincoln decides to leave Nemesis we’re going to have a problem, and not just a small one.

I am a very pragmatic person, in general though. Because when I see Xaver standing by this bar where I just came to, it felt like it was a sign from God or anyone like him to give me the chance to talk about all of it. I don't feel very good and I need to talk to someone but.. there are a very few people who know about Nemesis and the only people with whom I can talk to what just happened with Lincoln is a Nemesis member. And not just one nemesis member because I trust this one. I trust Xaver, I know I can talk to him and trust him. If I introduced Nemesis to him, that's clearly because I have no doubt about his devotion for my organization. « I think we should better discuss this outside, you never know what wandering ears can be around. » I shake my head and take my glass to the outside of the room. I have some shivers when I feel the cold wind skimming my face and I turn to Xaver with a little force out smile. « He says he likes being a Winthrop. He likes them and he is going to leave Nemesis. »  I sigh and look at my glass, « I don't care that he wanna leave Nemesis. But if he wanna stay a Winthrop, he has to betray them or betray us. Betray me. » Because if we do something to them, he will know. If he tells them, he betrays me. If he doesn't tell them, he betrays his "brothers'. This is a really fucked up situation.

I was German, and I’m not just talking about my nationality, my place of birth. I work as a German. I’m very effective, always following a straight path. I’ve been like that since I was a kid, and I never knew anything else than tis style of thinking. Therefore, I sometimes found in difficult to understand other people that could easily sway away from a path they had fixed. If there was something to do, I would do, until the very end, in the best way possible. Obstacles happen, but there are always solution for every problem. This was the kind of guy I was, and I guess that that didn’t always help me with my acquaintances. Well, as long as Keyla loved me for how I was, what else mattered? Nothing really. Right now, however, my girlfriend was the least of my problems. About two years ago, when I won the prize for best old couple with Candice, things had gotten hasty, and that’s when I learned about this organisation, Nemesis. Holly had talked to me about it, asking if I wanted to join the ranks. I could never have refused. I hated the houses, this systems, all of the lies and the pretending. I could not live like that any longer, so I had given up on trying to adapt, and change the world for a better, much fairer place to study. Today, everything could end because of Holly’s boyfriend. I didn’t mind that he was her boyfriend. That wasn’t really the problem. However, it became a problem now. I follow her, making sure nobody was close to us. She tells me everything. Yeah, we are so having a problem. I try not to make an annoyed face, but I was really pissed right now. I did not have a lot of success this year as a president, after Shae left and Caly juste did her life, so this kinda hurt my own feelings. « Can we trust him? » I ask her. Lincoln had a probation period to make sure he was actually fit for the job, and he did it. I couldn’t quite understand what was happening with him. « Tamsin left, and she hasn’t talked about anything that happened here. » Yeah but that’s not really relatable, she stayed a student like most of us. « Maybe he’ll just not talk about it, and if he does, I can make his life hell. We can’t force him to stay. However, we have to make sure he doesn’t talk about any of this, or we’re screwed. » Let’s not talk about the worse case scenario.

I know it's gonna be a big problem for Nemesis too. Because it is the case for every single Nemesis member. We chose them very carefully because we know that we need to trust new potential members. When they leave the group, we also need to be sure they will shut their mouthes up. It would be less a problem if Lincoln was just a student but he is not. He became Winthrop for Nemesis and now, he likes it and wanna stay one of them. Here is the biggest problem for Nemesis but also for us, our couple. Everything was so perfect between us since October, it was maybe too good to be true. I can't see any emotion on Xaver's face and I don't know what it means. « Can we trust him? » I bite my lip and look at Xaver. « I think we can. But he is a loyal guy and I don't know what he would do if we do something against the Winthrop House. » I don't know and it is what scares me. Because he is loyal and he will certainly be loyal to his new house too. « Tamsin left, and she hasn’t talked about anything that happened here. » I shrug and add, « But Tamsin still hates the fraternities. And she is a house's member. » Here is the difference. Lincoln just understood he doesn't agree with us and likes the fraternities system. « Maybe he’ll just not talk about it, and if he does, I can make his life hell. We can’t force him to stay. However, we have to make sure he doesn’t talk about any of this, or we’re screwed. » Completely screwed, you said it. I lean against the wall and look at the door to check if anyone would come out and hear something they shouldn't. « I'm gonna talk to him because.. we really have to make sure he won't talk. » I look at Xaver and add, « But please, don't think for a second to hurt him, whatever happens. »  Because he is the guy I'm in love with and don't want anything bad to happen to Linc.

Accepting a new person into a secret organisation is always tricky. You need to be sure that this said person has the same beliefs than you have, that he will fight until the end for what is right, and that the most important he will never betray the organisation. Obviously, when that said person wants to leave the organisation, it gets tricky. You trusted him enough to let you in on the dark side, and he wants out. What will happen now? It’s really difficult, and honestly, I didn’t really like this idea. He wasn’t like any of others that had left, who had left for good. Lincoln was leaving because he liked being a Winthrop. I hated every minute I had to stay in that wretched house. The snobby attitude they had, their judgmental stares. I couldn’t wait to leave them next year. No way, I was staying any longer with them. For the moment, however, this wan’t the least of our worries. « So he’s a bit of a loose dog we can’t control. » This was going to be a long and complicated story with a lot of uncertainties. As Holly said, Tamsin still hates them, this just wasn’t for her anymore, she no longer wanted to fight this battle. We’re trying to find a solution. « No don’t worry, I’m going to hurt him. I’m not that kind of a guy, just scare him a little. But yeah, maybe you should talk to him, make sure that he knows what this means if he talks. » Pretty much, hell for us if he talks but I could always hope that he doesn’t. Never lose hope, that’s what they say right?

This is something I've always loved and admired about Xaver. The fact that he stays calm like this. I like it even if I can't understand it. I am a very nervous person in the way that I can't be calm like he is. I need to control everything, I need to have absolutely everything under my control and if I don't, I freak out. Like tonight, after my conversation with the guy I am in love with. I am completely freaking out. I don't know what to do, I don't know how to react because it was not planned. I didn't see that one coming; Lincoln who would like being with the Winthrop and leaving Nemesis. « So he’s a bit of a loose dog we can’t control. » This is exactly how it is. And it is scary. Obviously, I am more scary for our relationship than for Nemesis itself. But I think Xaver can get that. « No don’t worry, I’m going to hurt him. I’m not that kind of a guy, just scare him a little. But yeah, maybe you should talk to him, make sure that he knows what this means if he talks. » I grimace and look at him, « I don't know if it would be really useful for me to talk to him about it. »  I sigh and cross my arms to my chest, « One, because he knows what it means. Two, because we just had an argument about it 5 minutes ago and I really don't wanna talk to him right now.  » I am a little disappointed that he wanna stay with the Winthrop. I fell in love with him because he wasn't in the fraternities drama that I hate so much and now, he is one of them because he enjoys it. « I have to say, I already feel like he betrays me by staying with them.. »  As if he chose one side. And this side's not mine.  

Holly was quite fidgety and nervous, and I didn’t really like. I could understand her. The situation was stressful. We could get into serious trouble if what we did came to light. We didn’t do anything bad. Ok yeah, we did. We hacked into people’s computer, we drugged some, exposed some dirty little secrets and kinda ruined people’s houses. I didn’t want to jeopardise my future, as much as we weren’t jeopardising anybody’s future neither. I tried to keep my calme and stayed composed because that’s how I was told to be. Even in difficult times, if you could show composure and calm, you would be able to lead the world. And anyway, Holly wouldn’t want to see me loose my shit as it would draw unnecessary attention towards us. « I can go and talk to him if you want, just make him understand that if he talks he would be ruining all of our futures at Harvard. That’s a pretty good argument I think. » Holly was disappointed that her boyfriend didn’t follow her in her campaign, and that he actually liked it. She felt betrayed and didn’t know what to do. « Hey, I’m sure he still loves you very much. » I’m not the best at consoling people and this was me trying to cheer my friend up.