JUDE & BRIOCHE + my blood is drowning in alcohol

Deux jours. Ça fait deux jours que j'ai laissé Leandra en plan dans ce restaurant. Le pire, c'est que je ne comptais pas me disputer avec elle. Le soir de la Saint-Valentin, Jasper m'a envoyé un sms qui m'a intrigué. Je lui ai répondu le lendemain pour découvrir que Leandra aurait un tatouage quelque part en rapport avec Jasper. Il m'a envoyé ce sms pour me narguer, clairement et me montrer qu'elle a encore la marque de leur merveilleux amour sur le corps. Salaud. Du coup, comme je n'ai jamais vu de tatouage sur Leandra, je lui ai posé simplement la question. Tout ça pour découvrir qu'elle s'est fait tatoué quand ils étaient ensemble un tout petit "∞" derrière l'oreille. ∞ était leur manière de se dire "pour toujours". En gros, ils s'aimeront toujours, seront toujours là l'un pour l'autre blablabla. Bon.. c'était une erreur de gamine qui se tatoue un truc pour son mec. C'est pour ça que je lui ai demandé si elle pouvait l'effacer. C'est à ce moment là que les choses se sont gâtées, puisqu'elle ne semblait pas emballée à l'idée de l'enlever. Et là, ce fut le truc de trop. Faut arrêter de me prendre pour un con quand même, et plus le temps avance, plus j'ai l'impression qu'elle l'aime encore. Du coup, je me suis barré. Et le soir, quand je suis rentré chez nous, elle n'était plus là. Deux jours. Et j'suis déjà malheureux comme un chien. J'ai déposé Aaron chez Roxanna hier soir, parce que je savais que je ne serai pas en état pendant plusieurs jours. Et voilà que ça fait deux jours que je reste enfermé à mon appart', à boire et à sécher les cours. Ce soir là, j'ai trop bu et sans savoir pourquoi, je me retrouve à toquer à la porte de chez ma cousine. Je tiens à peine debout et je suis appuyé contre le mur près de sa porte d'entrée, une bouteille de whisky à la main à attendre qu'elle ouvre.

Well, well. I have to speak English.. mmh think in English it's better and i need few seconds to be in the mood English you know. I guess it's good now. It's been a week since it's different with Wade and I have to organize my time in the aim to have absolutely no moment to think. It's better in this way. If I begin to ask myself if I made the right choice, it's over. Anyway. I spend my time in my homework in sociology. We had a record to do. And mine, it's about the impact of the parents' separation on the children and their future. It's really interesting to work on it and to analyze every point of view. After that, I spend also my time in being with my friends and family, because it's really important. Sitting in my room, alone in my house, I was reading an essay in sociology, still. It was very peaceful as atmosphere. And the moment was broken by someone behind the front door. I raised my ass off my bed and came to the door, opened it and discovered my cousin. Drunk. Dafuck. Jude ? What the hell are you fucking doing like this ? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I dislike completely this vision of my cousin and I don't support it too.

I don't know what i'm doing. Sometimes I wonder if I took the good choices. I love her. I love her so much and letting her go is the most difficult thing I have ever done. Well.. she left because I told her at the restaurant that everything was over, and that I was going to leave. But she said in the note she left in the kitchen that it was more simple for her to leave because I have Aaron and sleeping both of us in my room at the Mather House ils not good for him. So she left. And I miss her. I know it's only been two days and I know it was the right thing to do, although it was hard. Because we couldn't continue like this. Not with Jasper everywhere in our lives. I could handle that they were friends (hardly, but I was really trying to handle it), but this tattoo thing.. it was too much. And to see her almost refusing to get rid of it.. no, I just couldn't. I know I gamble with our relationship, but now that she lost me over Jasper, I hope she'll realize that their relationship is killing ours. And I hope she'll prefer saving our relationship than keeping hers with him. And here I am. Standing in front of Briony's door, completely drunk. My head hurt and I feel dizzy. Jude ? What the hell are you fucking doing like this ?  I haven't seen her opening the door. I close my eyes and start laughing. Why? I have no idea. Nervousness, I guess. « I lost.. lost her. »  I say, looking at my cousin. « I lost her and now.. i feel so angry and so.. sad and.. I hate everybody.. I hate Jasper that asshole, I hate her, I hate myself.. » I laugh, but I want to cry. I feel so bad.

There is some things that I absolutely dislike in life. And in that list, we have the point number.. four ou five perhaps, I really don't know the listing by heart. And that point is, I quote, "I hate seing the people I love being so sad". And we can add a post scriptum which is "and especially when they drink to forget or smoke or wtv they are able to do to fuck their mind". Jude is a mather. I can't change this fact. He was even the president. He's gonna be for his whole life a mather and his reactions will always dictate by this moment of his schooling in Harvard. He'll have the reflex to hide his sadness in drinking or smoking. I can't handle it. I can't handle it anymore, after seeing my cousin next to the death last year. Almost dead in my arms. « I lost.. lost her. » Da hell ? What was he talking about ? Aylin ? Oh come on, please, not her. « I lost her and now.. i feel so angry and so.. sad and.. I hate everybody.. I hate Jasper that asshole, I hate her, I hate myself.. » If you're going though hell, keep going. What a wonderful quote. And soooo true. Especially for my cousin. I hate Leandra just right now. Because she is the origin of the Jude's sadness and drinking. He was laughing. It's was.. awful. Come and give me that. I took the bottle in his hand and layed down on a table. I hugged my cousin because it is all he needs right now. She's not the one for you, she can't think about your future, she is selfish, and Jasper more than her. He's a fucking asshole, and when you'll stop laughing, we could go to the Dunster and kick his fucking president's ass. What do you think ?

I am confused. But it is normal, because I'm drunk. And I'm completely aware that I am. I am a Mather, I mean.. there is a time when I was drinking a lot. Before I knew Roxanna, I was drunk almost every night. I don't remember a lot of things about this time, because I was rarely in my normal state of mind. It's been a while since I haven't been drank, but still, I am aware that I am. My head hurts, I see everything in front of me moving all the times. The walls, the pavement while I was walking towards Briony's. I have a bottle of Whisky in my hand and I feel like an alcoholic that everybody is watching in a weird way in the street. But I don't care. I don't care because I am so mad. So sad. That's a weird mix, but it's the truth. Briony seems surprised to see me like that, maybe because I was a nice boy for so long that she is not used to it. But here I am cousin, the real Jude. Come and give me that. She takes my bottle and I frown, « Hey ! »  Why does she take that? « It's mine! »  She doesn't answer and she hugs me. I let her do it and she adds, She's not the one for you, she can't think about your future, she is selfish, and Jasper more than her. He's a fucking asshole, and when you'll stop laughing, we could go to the Dunster and kick his fucking president's ass. What do you think ? I can't explain why, but I feel tears in my eyes. It hurts. It hurts to hear her saying she's not the one for me because I know she is. With Leandra, I'm a better person. I stopped doing drugs, I stopped drinking. With her, I'm more serious. She's my scales.«  She's the one for me, I swear she is. I know I will be just more miserable without her. »  I step back and look at Briony, wiping my tears,«  I wanna kill that asshole. »  I smile at her, a little smile and say, « I'm sorry.. »

« Hey ! » I laughed nervously. He was just pathetic like this and I think I'm not the same like I used to be. Because.. seeing Jude so drunk with alcoohol doesn't make me feel like before. It was different and I hated how my cousin was right now. « It's mine! » No, absolutely not Jude. Not anymore, sorry. I hope it's a good one. Because I won't let you go back in your house with that bottle. I hugged Jude a little bit and confessed what I had in mind. And I didn't get the reaction I expected. I saw tears in my cousin's eyes. «  She's the one for me, I swear she is. I know I will be just more miserable without her. » Wow. He seemed like dependent on Leandra, like an alcoholic and the alcool. Not the same way.. but whatever. «  I wanna kill that asshole. » I smile too. « I'm sorry.. » And I smile again, even if I was frustrated. Don't be. I was worst when Andy broke up. Do you want to kill Jasper right now ? Because I really don't want to speak about Leandra and the way she acts with you.

Not anymore, sorry. I hope it's a good one. I look at her and I don't know what to say. Of course it's a good one. However, I don't care that much if she takes it. Because I'm already drunk, so I don't need more alcohol for now. And I have plenty of them at my apartment. She hugs me and I let her do it. It feels good, yes. But I am too bad to really feel good. I feel miserable. Truth hurts. That's the problem. All the fights, the arguments.. at some point, you have to say stop. To face the truth. And today, the truth is that I can't be happy with her knowing that Jasper is indispensable in her life. I feel like she loves him, and it hurts. It hurts so bad. I really feel sorry to coming here and show her how miserable I am. I don't even know how she is. Don't be. I look at her, quiet. Do you want to kill Jasper right now ? I laugh. A weird laugh, again. My stomach hurts, surely because it doesn't like all this alcohol in it. « I dooon't think I would be able to kill him right now. »  I shrug and add, « What would be the point, hum? I mean.. he won. Their friendship, their love or whatever is unbreakable, so what's the point? He got her. Their is no place for me in that.  »

Bon. J'savais pas vraiment comment gérer les peines de coeur de Jude pour le coup alors que Leandra était sur ma liste noire voyez vous. J'allais pas lui dire que ça allait s'arranger alors que j'en savais que dalle, j'allais pas lui dire qu'elle allait revenir alors que j'espérais tout le contraire et ce genre de choses vous voyez ? C'tait assez compliqué à gérer. Puis même, il était bourré, il allait entendre de toute manière ce qu'il voulait entendre et j'pouvais rien y changer aha. « I dooon't think I would be able to kill him right now. » Y a pas d'heures pour tuer du Dunster, crois moi cousin, on peut y aller dès maintenant, même avec ta gueule de bois comme ça vu que t'auras tout oublier demain, on pourra pas te soupçonner. « What would be the point, hum? I mean.. he won. Their friendship, their love or whatever is unbreakable, so what's the point? He got her. Their is no place for me in that.  » Rho. Pourquoi tant de négatif sérieux ? Do you want really speak about this ? You'll feel worst than now if you'll continue you know ? En fait, il devrait aller dormir. J'pense qu'il y a que ça comme remède. Entre gueule de bois et coeur brisé.

Je sais bien que me bourrer la gueule n'est pas la solution. Mais quand on est bourré, on est censé penser à autre chose, on est censé avoir d'autres préoccupations. Normalement. Parce que malheureusement, je ne suis jamais ce genre de bourré. Je suis plutôt le genre à me sentir encore plus mal qu'au départ et à me torturer l'esprit avec ce qui m'a fait boire. Pourtant, je continue de boire quand je vais mal en espérant que ça changera. Do you want really speak about this ? You'll feel worst than now if you'll continue you know ? Je la regarde et je sens à nouveau les larmes me monter aux yeux. Sérieusement, je déteste l'amour. Après Roxanna, je m'étais promis de ne plus jamais retomber amoureux à nouveau et pourtant, c'était arrivé. Et voilà que je me retrouve à nouveau misérable, comme après Roxanna. « I don't think I can feel worst right now  » Je me redresse et je regarde ma cousine en souriant légèrement,«  I'm gonna just.. go back to my apartment and drink a little more.  » Parce que tu m'as pris ma bouteille, mais j'en ai encore pleins chez moi cousine. « Sorry I bothered you »

En le voyant dans cet état, ça ne faisait que confirmer certaines choses que j'pensais déjà. La première, c'est qu'il fallait mieux être la maitresse que la cocue, même si c'tait pas vraiment le cas là présentement. Quoique. Y avait ptete rien eu entre Jasper et Leandra mais c'tait tout comme. Et Jasper avait le bon rôle. Hey concrètement, ils nous faisaient un remake de Briandy les deux zozos là. Est-ce que j'devais vraiment l'dire à Jude ? Ptete pas non, surtout quand on voit ce que mon couple avec Hendrix était devenu à la fin (c't'à dire le couple qui est le parallèle de celui de mon cousin). Et la deuxième chose, c'est qu'il fallait être mieux la personne qui rompt. Définitivement. « I don't think I can feel worst right now  » Oh si c'est possible Jude, crois pas ahaha. «  I'm gonna just.. go back to my apartment and drink a little more.  » Ptain j'aimais pas savoir qu'il avait encore un stock, mais c'tait un mather hein.« Sorry I bothered you » J'ricanais. T'as cru que t'allais rentrer chez toi ? Pas question, tu dors ici, viens ma chambre est là bas. Il est hors de question que tu rentres chez toi, n'essaies même pas discuter Jude.