+ you're in my veins, and I cannot get you out (xandice)

It's been two weeks since i imposed a break to xaver, two long weeks that i missed him terribly. I was an idiot to make this break and even more that i leave him alone while he was depressed. He begged me to stay but I left him without thinking. Actually, that's my problem. I act, i talk but i don't think before. So yes, he was rude and he scared me that night but i love him more than everything. I don't want to continue like this anymore, seeing each other one hour every two days, i want him with me all the time. It was up to me to fix my shit. I had to go see him, talk to him but i was so afraid that he would tell me it was too late. Taht's why i wrote him a letter in which i told him what i think . So I went to his apartment enjoying a break. I deposited my letter so he does not miss it. But i didn't think about the fact that he could be there.

the letter :

Love and relationship aren't always as easy as we think they are. It has been two weeks since Candice had sort of broke things off with you. You hand't been the same since that night. You had that feeling that you weren't whole anymore. It's when you lose something that you realise how much it means to you. You knew you had been harsh to her, and that you probably scared her a lot. However, you were sick of it, of the way she treated you and thought you didn't care about her. When you love somebody the way you love her, you start feeling the need to protect her, but you failed at that. You were staying at your apartment in Central Square for the last two weeks and hadn't even put a foot into the Eliot House. You just couldn't do it. You couldn't face her. She hurt you more then anything that day, when you told her not to leave, and still she left you crying. You were in a pretty bad state since then, without Candice by your side, you weren't yourself, and on top of all that, your best friend Kara was still at the hospital. You hadn't been able to save her from that car. You had seen everything but you couldn't save her. Pretty pathetic when you can't save anybody as a man. You left that thought behind you getting ready for your afternoon politic classes. It was nearly the end of the school year and exams were coming in at high speed. You got your laptop from your room before turning off all lights of the apartment. Never would, you have thought that when you opened the door, she would be there. Completely paralysed, you didn't know what to say. What was she doing here? You hadn't seen her since a few days but still, why would she be here at your apartment? "What are you doing here?" You couldn't say anything else, you were just completely struck by her being here.

I wanted to make a break, yeah that's true but now, i just want to be with him. We were separate during two weeks and i realized I can't live without Xaver in my life. It's just impossible for me to imagine finishing my studies without him. I want to be his date to the prom. I know I made a big mistake but I really hope he will forgive me as I have forgiven him for his attitude that night. In the letter I wrote to Xaver, I tell him what I think, how I am, what I feel for him. Unfortunately, I know this is all my fault. It is because of me that started it all. The dispute began because I do things I should not have done. Starting with the drug. I did not say anything to Xaver because I was afraid. I was terrified of disappointing him. I do not really like talking about my problems, especially to the people that I loved and he is the person I love the most in the world. That's why I decided to drop him my letter directly to his apartment. I didn't think he would arrive when i was here. While I was leaving his apartment, he opened the door and we met face to face. I do not know what to say or do at this point. Oh my god, it was supposed to be a surprise. He asked me a very logical question What are you doing here ? Shit, I swallowed before moving my hand through my red hair. What am I going to say to him ? Well I had to tell him clearly what I was doing here. Eum .. nothing special. Well I'd drop you something. A letter to be precise. A letter I wrote to you. So .. I give it to him. Here. Now i can go. I said, swallowing. I do not want to leave but I had nothing to do here.

the letter :

The moment you opened your door and saw her standing in front of you, you totally lost your mind. You missed her so much, despite the way she hurt you. We all do mistakes in our lives. Life wasn't always and we don't always do the right decision, you knew that night she left you alone, crying all the pain that had been growing inside of you. You just stared at her waiting for an answer. She seemed pretty down. Maybe she was like you, unable to sleep for the last two weeks. You ended up going to the gp asking for sleeping pills because you couldn't cope with it. She started blabling around. You looked at the letter she gave you but didn't open it. She said she you leave now, but you didn't want that. You wanted her to stay at your place. You couldn't give a damn shit about classes right now. You wanted to stay with her and never let her go. You grabbed her. "No please stay." You added nothing else. Letting her go, opening the letter. You started reading saying nothing. After finishing, you folded the letter in four. "Come here." You said quietly taking her in you arms. You needed this. You needed her. You can't live without her in your life. Sometimes, you just know that the person you love is the one you want to be with for the rest of your life. If it's after 4 month or 5 years, you just know it. You placed a small kiss on her forehead. "I love you too baby." You were standing there in the middle of the hall way. Good thing none of your neighbour lived on this floor.

I did not know what to do. I was about to leave but Xaver just come out at that time. I was like blocked before him. The least we can say is that I did not expect to see him. It was too hard to find myself in front of him. I loved him so much. I wanted to kiss or even hug him but it was impossible. I wanted to finish quickly and leave as soon as possible. So I gave him the letter praying that he did not read before I left. Now I could go. But he asked me to stay again. No please stay. I looked him into the eyes. It was useless as I stay there longer. I preferred to leave him alone while he read my letter. I started to go away when he began to read the letter. It was not really long, but it contained everything I thought about us. Then I heard Xaver call me. Come here. I did not really understand why he wanted me closer to him but I approached him anyway. He took me in his arms and finally I felt good. It's just perfect to be in the arms of the one you love as if it were the only thing that mattered. I love him so much and I did not want to leave his arms forever. I need him so much in my life like I can't imagine live without Xaver by my side. He dropped me a kiss on my forehead that made ​​me smile. Damn I love him so much. I love you too baby. My god ? He really said that ? Even after reading my letter ? I can't believe it. At that moment, nothing else mattered. I felt the tears came to my eyes. I sniffed a little. I'm so sorry honey, i didn't want to hurt you. I love you so much. I squeezed him a little more in my arms.

You hadn't had the best two weeks, between your best friend at the hospital after the car accident protecting you, and the break your girlfriend had imposed upon you. You could barely sleep, ending up taking sleeping pills before you collapsed completely. You had no idea how things were going to get along, so you decided to concentrate on your studies. It kept your head off the sad things, at least it was a distraction as another. You refused to enter the residence of the Eliot House, not wanting to bump into her or any of her friends. In the end, they're all just hypocrites, judging without knowing. Sometimes, you thought about what you were doing there, surrender by people which mentality and perception you despised, but then your name said all the rest. Anyway, you only had a year left of your bachelor and then who knows were you'll go off. Candice was there before you, and you had no idea what to do. You had read her letter, taking her into your arms. You missed that feeling, the feeling when you have somebody in your arms that means the world to you. You could hear her sniff in your arms, and you slowly stroked the back of her head. "Shh, all is ok now. I'm sorry too, we all do things when didn't want to do. It's part of being human. I love you, ok and that's all that matters."

I was in his arms and it was all that mattered at that time. I wrote him this letter to let him know that I love her more than anything in the world. He is my other half, I know it now and all I want is that we put the past behind us and focus on the future. He missed me so much during these two weeks. For some people, that two weeks is nothing. But for me, it was the two longest weeks of my life. I think my close friends can attest to my mood all the time when I was separated from him. I felt so guilty but ultimately this break has allowed us to realize something. We simply can not live without the other. I think it will really enhance our love. Shh, all is ok now. I'm sorry too, we all do things when didn't want to do. It's part of being human. I love you, ok and that's all that matters. he said, stroking the top of my head. He's right, we all make mistakes and this is probably the biggest of my life. I tried to catch my breath and hold back my tears. I can not believe that the situation was real but it was. Yeah, i know. I love you too. I guess we're back together ? I said, smiling. I already knew the answer, at least I hoped he told me so.

When you love somebody as much as you love your own life, every single fight brings you down with it. You knew you were also fault-if in Candice's situation and the way she felt. You had had two lung transplantation in 2 months, she had lost her cousin by suicide and friends in the bombing, it was only normal that she was down. However, you still were pissed by the fact that she did not trust you enough to tell you. It was a kind of betrayal for you. In a couple, people should trust each other and not keep such secrets, especially when it involved drugs. Well, for the moment, you were just happy that things sorted out again. You had been in a pretty bad state these last two weeks, and you did not want to go back to that. You kept her tight against you not wanting to give up on her and to let her go, too afraid that she might disappear again. Yeah, i know. I love you too. I guess we're back together ? You smiled at what she said. You retreated a little bit, taking her face in you hands smiling at her. Before leaning forwards, kissing her. "I guess we are."